Christopher's Part in the play

One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.

Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.

Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris prouldly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

For all the football fans out there or their patient, loving wives...

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry!" I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go watch the match." So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it -- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

The wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at his apartment.

I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her.We chatted briefly.

A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again.

My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said,

"Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."

Elderly couple

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Andy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, he counted the money--fifty-thousand pounds.

Sally said, "We've got to give it back." Andy said, "Finders keepers." he put the money back in the bag and hid it in their cellar.

The next day, two Police men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Andy said, "No."

Sally said, "he's lying. he hid it up in the cellar." Andy said, "Don't believe her, she's getting senile." The agents turned to Sally and began to question her. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Sally said, "Well, when Andy and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first Police man turns to his partner and says, "Come on, we're out of here."

Counsellor

The husband and wife go to a relationship coach after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday, I golf."

Getting Married in Heaven

A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.

They find themselves standing next to Saint Peter waiting to be let into Heaven. While waiting for him to finalise the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.

"I dont know," says Saint Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out."

After eight weeks waiting, Saint Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.
However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).

So they ask Saint Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. Saint Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork: "Oh come on!" he shouts, "It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

The curse of the Klopman Diamond

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

3 Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and he said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."