Compliments or no compliments??!!
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Short & Sweet
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Money no problem!!!!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only €1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking €950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty long years Jack left the box alone until Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to Edna and asked about the contents.
“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”
Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.
“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like:
Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."
Love is Everything
Mary's husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
When I Die...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.